Movie Madness: American Conjuring (2016)
(Available on Crackle)
Some of the more jaded of us might say they are trying to capitalize on the word “conjuring…”
The movie begins at a birthday party in 2004 for a little girl at a creepy old orphanage. A bunch of evil little girls bully her into going down the cellar of the orphanage even though it is scary down there (we are told). She goes (using an oil lamp, although I could have sworn we had flashlights way back in 2004?) but when she comes back up she is apparently evil, too, but I guess more evil than the bratty little girls, because she horribly and violently kills them. The blonde lady who runs the orphanage (I guess) is kind of horrified (I guess).
Cut to years later, and a family has bought the orphanage/house (sight unseen, apparently). The teenage daughter (played by an actress who looks to be about 30-something) is a mouthy brat and is unhappy because the dad is not her real dad but her stepdad, although her little stepsister is like 8 or something, so you would think she would be used to the guy by now. I mean, it’s been like 10 years, right? Her stepdad is kinda hot (at some angles he reminded me of Jessie on Breaking Bad), but he does not look that old. He must have fathered the bratty kid when he was like 17 or so?? Her mother (who looks like she’s about 50 and way too old for the dad) and the “teenage” daughter are always fighting, while the younger girl is just a little annoying kiss-up (maybe she is trying to be adorable and charming? It does not work.).
Things go downhill very quickly, in this creepy-and-huge-on-the-outside, oddly-totally-modern-and-not-very-big-on-the-inside orphanage. The bratty “teenager” thinks she is being stalked when she goes off into the woods to sulk about everything. This stalking incident terrifies her, and at some point she starts throwing up some maggots and stuff. The little girl starts drawing pictures of disturbing things that soon start to happen. The kind-of-hot dad bangs his head when he goes down to the basement for something (which seems unimportant but actually is later, I guess). The mom is all super creeped out and really, insistently wants to leave but then suddenly is fine just hanging around. There is an incident of almost spousal abuse, but that’s OK, too, apparently. The little annoying girl takes a kitchen knife and tries to slice through her arm. The kind-of-hot dad gets even more and more psycho and does something horrible to the dog. The mom grabs the kids and they leave, seems to have some kind of epiphany when she sees something the daughter draws, and rushes them all back (presumably) to the house, although they don’t really seem to get there until the next day or so. There is some more murder (involving some humans), and a couple of plot twists, and then those who remain go out for ice cream.
The ghost lady is kind of creepy from far away — nice use of the “spooky figure in the window” shot (which they kind of overused), but up close she looked like a Spirit Halloween store display.
Animals harmed: An adorable, huge dog, who probably hated living with these stupid people anyway. Still, I do NOT approve of dog violence. Can’t movie makers find some other way to show how evil someone is? Like maybe they could steal their neighbor’s mail or something?
Gratuitous stepdad naked tushie. Gratuitous but fully clothed sex scene. Gratuitous ghost lady barging in on gratuitous sex scene. Gratuitous Canadians pretending to be American.
