Movie Madness: Titanic 666 (2022)
(Available on Tubi)
And yes, I know the Titanic had more smokestacks than the ship in this picture. Duh.
Disclaimer: I am a Titanic-phile. When I get buzzed I spout Titanic facts. That’s hardcore (and also a little weird). I have seen the 1997 blockbuster version several times, but I have watched it not for the love story or for “Leo,” but because it is amazing to see the ship sink. So I was super excited when I saw that Tubi had Titanic 666, combining my two loves: the Titanic and spooky stuff.
The movie opens with the chaos of the Titanic (the original) sinking. It isn’t quite the spectacle that it was in the 1997 movie Titanic – there only appear to be about 20 or so passengers. A man is calling for his fiancee, who seems to only be a few feet away, and she is calling for him, and they seem to be close enough to hear each other but for some reason she heads off in the other direction. The man gives up quite easily and heads off for a lifeboat with his friends (bros before hoes, I guess). She ends up on an overturned lifeboat watching the Titanic sink, and she hears her fiance off in the water somewhere calling for her. Yipee! All is well! There his hat comes, floating along – surely he must be under it, and surely he is fine even though he is underwater and has been for a long time as he drifted over to her and the water is freezing and all. She lifts the hat and is quite surprised to see a demon rising up and coming to drag her down – and I am already ready to declare this the best movie ever.
Cut to the present and guests are boarding the Titanic III – a new ship. I am not sure what happened to the Titanic II. Maybe I missed that one. An “influencer” and her “influencer” husband are about to get out of their limo and the lady Influencer at first seems like a vacuous, horrible, annoying person, but real quick says something about how this whole thing is kind of disrespectful to the dead, so I guess she’s not all bad. Then cut to the deck, where the captain is talking to her five whole crew members. I don’t know a lot about sea captains, but I really wish she had her hair up while she was wearing her captain’s hat. Geez. That just doesn’t seem right to wear a captain’s hat with your hair out all over. There is a faintly Courtney-Cox–looking lady, another crew member who probably should get a haircut because he looks a little scruffy, and a few others, and some very familiar-but-not-close-enough-to-the-Titanic-movie-music-to-sue-over, I guess.
Then cut to the cargo deck, where there are about five pieces of luggage. Oh, and the deck looks pretty messy and unorganized – there are three or four items strewn carelessly around. Come on, Titanic III, get your act together! You’re starting your maiden voyage already so unorganized?
A woman who was hiding in luggage unzips it and steps out. She heads out, steals a ship staff uniform, and then visits the room where there are some Titanic artifacts. She takes a violin from a display case (which is supposed to be the violin that one of the band members was playing as the ship went down) when the Curator Guy stops her. An argument ensues, with her accusing him of grave robbing by bringing all of those artifacts up.
Anywho, she does manage to steal one artifact (maybe lock the cases holding your valuable and precious artifacts, Curator Guy?) and heads back down to the cargo hold. She starts chanting and swaying and all of that, asking for vengeance, or whatever. I don’t know a lot about these things, but shouldn’t she be looking down instead of up? Why is she looking up – isn’t God supposed to be in that direction? Should you be asking God to get revenge on people? I don’t know. I guess she knows more than I do.
The Influencers are wandering around the ship filming everything for their fans and they get to see some of this ceremony, although I am not sure what that had to do with anything because they don’t do anything about it and they don’t tell anyone. They don’t even seem all that worried about it even though it was super weird, and they head back up to the higher decks. Then they get into a fight with the one Curator Guy, who has been working hard to sell artifacts to the passengers, and he’s a jerk and they don’t approve of him taking advantage of the dead (even though they are kind of doing the same thing even being on the ship) – please tell me this isn’t just another movie nagging me about how I keep bringing artifacts up from the Titanic to sell!!! Yes, I know it’s wrong and I will try to stop. Stop artifact-shaming me!!!
The ship has gotten to the location on the ocean where the original ship sank and they stop there for a moment of silence (then it’s back to partying! Who-hoo!). Then the ghosts start coming. They are obviously CGI, but they’re OK, I guess. I kind of thought it would be neat to see them crawling up out of the water up the side of the ship, but the writers probably don’t want my notes.
The ship’s navigation and all of that goes haywire (try turning it off and on again!) and the ship starts drifting right for an iceberg. There are ghosts all over now (well, like 3 or 4), and there are even ghosts of people who just died moments before – not sure why they are out for vengeance against those on the ship, as they have just died and that was because of ghosts and not the fault of anyone on the ship. It ends as you would expect, with the ship sinking. The captain is the last survivor, and I can’t help but thinking that none of this would have happened if she would have just put her hair up while she was wearing her captain’s hat.
Gratuitous sunken ship grave robbing
Gratuitous decapitation by out-of-control valve wheel
Gratuitous naked ghost lady showering
I thought this movie was kind of fun. Maybe you have to be interested in the Titanic to find it so? I don’t know. I was rather impressed by the special effects views of the ship (the original and the third) sinking. It could have been really cheesy, but it wasn’t (not that I know anything about such things). Was it scary at all? No. Was it a good way to kill an hour and a half? Sure. Was it free? Yes, so there’s that…
