Guest Letter by a Cat Trying To Commit His Owner

Dear Sirs,

I write to you with concern for my owner.

I suppose it all started a few days ago, when I sharpened my claws on her favorite (and brand new) chair. A perfectly normal thing to do, I’m sure you would agree. But for some reason this seemed to enrage her! She flailed about for a good three minutes, and even went so far as to suggest that she would throw me out on my “cute little ear.”

She gets annoyed about other little things as well, such as when I decide to not use the litter box but instead go wherever I please. When I throw up all over her table it also seems to upset her, very much. I am not sure why.

And at times, and it pains me to say this, it is almost as if she has other things to do besides pet me and give me cuddles. I am sure that this is not normal, although I would like to hear your professional opinion on the matter.

I think the most disconcerting thing, though, is that sometimes, out of the blue, she will call me extremely silly names, such as “Mr. Fuzzy Tinkles” or “Cupcake von Vandersnoot the third.” Surely you can see how this is worrisome, and most certainly this has to be a sign of insanity.

As such, I demand that you show up immediately to haul her away in a straight jacket. I am, of course, assuming that once she is gone you will provide me with the proper cat-care specialist. I would also assume that cat treats will be endlessly provided.

I would be happy to sign all of the necessary papers. I look forward to watching you haul her away from the upstairs window.

Very sincerely yours,

Snowball