Movie Madness: A Nun’s Curse (2019)
(Available on Amazon Prime)
Call me skeptical, but I think they might be trying to capitalize on the success of another movie, here….
A young lady (Ashley) is into nuns. Like, really into nuns. I guess “obsessed with nuns” is how they put it, which is kind of odd now that I think of it. Her father used to tell her stories about this evil nun when she was a kid, and so she would have nightmares about this nun, and would think she would see her in the corner in the middle of the night, and, of course, would think that if she hung her feet off the bed that the nun would get her (I don’t know about the rest of it, but everyone knows that last one is totally true and there are totally demons under the bed just waiting to drag you under the second you dangle your toes beyond the mattress).
But now she’s in college (I think) and her and her biatch of a sister and the sister’s boyfriend and some guy who none of them really even seem to know are going to the sisters’ parents’ cabin for the weekend. The older sister was told that she had to bring her younger sister along if she wanted to use the cabin, and she is also supposed to indulge the younger sister when she wants to explore stuff (see, the older sister is not very bright and kinda slutty and the younger sister is super-smart and chaste. Get it?). So the older sister and the younger sister are fighting the whole time.
They are at some site in the woods to indulge Ashley’s desire to explore – it’s a bunch of brick walls, which used to be an old nunnery, but then it burned down. All the nuns were dispersed to other places where nuns were needed, which I guess is a thing (?).
The evil nun from Ashley’s childhood stories was sent to a prison nearby. Rumor has it that she used to kill the prisoners – the warden was “suspicious” when prisoners started turning up dead. Because Ashley is obsessed with nuns (and history), she can’t pass up the chance to go and see the prison, which is now empty and falling apart. She finagles her way into getting them all there so she can explore, which was kind of sucky, in my opinion.
Once there the vapid older sister and her unlikeable boyfriend just kind of sit around. Ashley and the other guy start to wander around. Ashley starts to have psychic flashbacks to what used to happen in the cells. In the first one, a prisoner has his throat slashed by the nun (gee, I wonder why the warden may have been suspicious?). In the second one, the nun poisons a guy. Also, in these flashbacks the prison walls look like they are falling apart, much like they do in the present. Slap a coat of paint on there, movie crew!
And then the nun-ghost shows up, and her eyes are kind of cool but her makeup just kind of looks like someone drew lines on her face. She starts to kill the people who are at the prison now, in the now, except not, and the nun is Ashley, except not, and everyone ends up dead, except not.
Did I mention that the nun kind of looks like my third grade teacher Mrs. Martinez? Except Mrs. Martinez was super sweet and not a nun and not a nun-ghost. So never mind.
Honestly this was just kind of boring. So, some questions:
Why was this nun so evil? What the heck was her problem, anyway?
So, as long as you stay away from this old prison the nun can’t get you? I would kind of like to think that the nun wanders out of the prison at night (or at least on Halloween) so that she can scare people just out walking their dogs or something. Otherwise it would get pretty boring.
How did Ashley’s father know so much about this evil nun? Or was “nun” of it true at all and it was just a scary story?
These two women have some “sister” issues. Ha!
Not one but two lame endings!
Gratuitous Prince reference
Use of the word “jelly” (as in “jealous”) unironically
First time ever of a real ghost saying “boo”
Gratuitous lingering shots of bodily fluids and body parts
It was still better than Scream 6.
