Guest Blog by Lizzie Borden

Actually, it was a hatchet. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard anyway. Heh.

I totes didn’t do it. I swear. I was acquitted, remember? Duh.

When I saw my stepmother lying there I was like, “What??” And then I was like,
“What are you doing down there?” I thought maybe she had lost her contact or something, but then I noticed her head was like, not right.

Then I was like, “OMG!” and I had to stop for a sec because I thought I heard the doorbell and I was waiting for a telegram from Julie, ‘cause she had gone out with Trevor the night before and she promised to send me a message and tell me all about it (yes, that Trevor! Can you even?). But it wasn’t the doorbell, and when I was downstairs, I totes noticed my father on the couch all dead and stuff, and his brains were like, all over.

But then I got right back to my stepmother being all dead and stuff, I swear.

It was all totally gross.

So then I yelled out the door for help, and the po-po finally showed up.

Those cops right away acted like I did something wrong – totally bogus. Like, totes violated all my rights, like even that super important one. You know, that one. Can you even?

And they were all like, “Where were you?” And I was like, “Up in the barn, yo. Looking for sinkers, ‘cause I was gonna go fishing. I was gonna rip more lines than a 10-pound bass, yo.”

They didn’t think that was funny. But serious, I was gonna go fishing, and I was up in the barn looking for fishing junk, I swear.

Then they hauled me off to jail, and I was like, “This is wiggity-wack, yo!”

Anyways, there was this totes bogus trial. You might have heard about it. I wore the cutest outfits, ‘cause I knew that the newspapers were gonna be there every day, like watching my every move, and I knew they’d have like artists drawing me and stuff.

I wanted to wear my new line of petticoats that say “KILLER” on the tush in pink ribbon (which you can get at Henderson’s at their store downtown starting next month – make sure you get the ones that say “Lizzie!” on the label or it’s totes an imposter brand!), but my lawyers were so lame and said I shouldn’t. They said that was in bad taste or something. Pfft. Whatevs.

So, I was acquitted, and the whole thing was totes just a waste of my time. And then I bought this nice house like on the better side of town – what was I supposed to do, live in that old house with all the blood and stuff all over? Ick.